


Nesta needs to know the truth about Cassian and Mor

by sarah_bae_maas



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 23:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16963620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarah_bae_maas/pseuds/sarah_bae_maas
Summary: Originally posted October 11th, 2017





	Nesta needs to know the truth about Cassian and Mor

“I need to know what happened between you and Morrigan.”

Nesta refused to meet his gaze, her hard face angled away from him even though a moment before her hands had been curiously wondering down his bare chest, his sword hitting the training room floor with a clang as he instantly dropped it.

“What?”

When Nesta had entered the room, Cassian was not surprised. For the past few months she would come towards the middle of his sessions and linger to watch, sometimes joining in, most times content to be a bystander. Things between them had… not progressed since the war. Although Cassian still savoured the way her lips felt on his, and he often pondered what her mouth would taste like when not mixed with blood and tears, he was holding himself back. Why? Because when he was alone with her, she looked like she wanted to kill him. Any moments of tenderness between them had passed, and it seemed Nesta wasn’t inclined to rekindle what they could have had.

And Cassian, Cauldron curse his soul for it, could not stand the thought of letting another woman let him dangle. To get to a place where Cassian had accepted he deserved to be more than just a back-up piece of flesh to a woman who didn’t know what, or who, she really wanted was harder than any physical training he had ever done. He still was not perfect at it either, and to not chase after Nesta like a lost pet looking for its owner was a true feat of strength for him.

“I need to know why she has you so whipped, and why Azriel doesn’t even care.”

Cassian took a step away from her, picking up his fallen sword and crossing the training courtyard to put it away. The sun was beating down on him hard, and he’d exerted himself beyond what he usually would today. He was frustrated – he always was these days – and the only way he could think to rectify that was by hitting a lot of things with a very sharp object.

“Why?” Cassian kept his tone polite, not wanting her to know how hesitant he was to speak of the matter.

Nesta took a step towards him, her blue dress gliding behind her. She had her arms crossed over her chest, and her ever-present frown was even deeper today. Her startling eyes had now met his, and Cassian was surprised at the amount of fury in them. People often mistook Nesta for emotionless, or for feeling nothing but spite and anger, but they just didn’t know how to read her. It was all about the eyes – one look into them and Nesta Archeron would unwillingly spill all her secrets.

“I need to know if you’re in love with her.”

Cassian scoffed at suggestion. “Why would you think something as preposterous that?”

Nesta’s jaw tightened as she glared at him. “Because every time I turn my godsdamned back you’re with her, doting to her every need and want and wish and I’m fucking sick of trying to guess what the hell is going on between you two.” Nesta threw her arms up in the air.

Cassian was astonished, and met her wrath with a sarcastic smirk. “I don’t think that has anything to do with you, Sweetheart.” He knew he shouldn’t tease her, but where did she get off asking him this shit? It was Nesta who told him to leave her alone after the war, it was Nesta who could barely be in the same room as him unless he was training. Fuck, today when she had touched him was the first contact they’d since she was willing to die for him – another one of her actions that simply didn’t make sense. He’d told her how he felt.

 _I have no regrets in my life but this. That we did not have time. That I did not have time with_ you _, Nesta. I will find you again in the next world – the next life. And we will have that time. I promise._

He’d laid himself bare, and he was met with the animosity she usually saved for, well, anybody but Elain. Before, he could see through it. Not justify it, but understand her motivations. Now, he did not know anything.

“Just. Tell. Me.”

“No.”

“If you don’t then I’ll assume the worst.”

With a roll of his eyes, he strolled past her and out of the courtyard, twisting through the garden paths that would take him to his personal townhouse. “What’s the worst for you, Nesta? What would be so bad?” he called back to her.

“What would be so _bad_ ,” she spat as she stomped after him, “is if I keep waiting for you, not realising that you’ll never get over her.”

Cassian stopped so quickly Nesta barely avoided slamming into his back. “Excuse me?” He turned to look at her. “You? Waiting for me? I don’t think so.”

She blinked up at him. “Cassian, I-”

“Don’t you dare insinuate that the reason we aren’t-” Cassian floundered, not even knowing how to describe what they could potentially be. “The reason we aren’t… something, is not because of me. You barely look at me. I’m lucky if you speak to me at all. And worse, when I think we are making progress you shut me down even harder. You don’t have a right to ask me about my personal life when you do everything you can to make sure you aren’t a part of it.”

Nesta sighed haughtily through her nose. “I’m trying.” Her voice was tight, like she was being strangled by the very words she was trying to speak.

“Sure. Whatever you say, Nesta.” Cassian was beyond caring about how bluntly he spoke. He rubbed his hands over his face, then pinched his nose. Without looking at her, he brushed past her.

He should have looked.

“ _Cassian_ ,” she hissed.

He didn’t look back – he wasn’t in the mood to deal with this. She had done nothing but push him away. Nothing but degrade his existence after she’d let him think that she felt the same way about him. It was okay if she didn’t, but it was not healthy for him to continue pining after her. He could not do it. He would not.

“Cassian?” This time her voice was softer, gentler, and he could hear it cracking as she tried not to cry.

He didn’t hate himself when he looked back at her.

“Wherever you are, Mor is too. You’ll speak to me, and then stop the moment she’s there. When I think that maybe I can get you alone, she always whisks you away and you always let her. She hates me, and that’s okay, but sometimes it feels like the hate she has for me makes you dislike me too. You feel like I’m shutting you out? Okay. I feel like you’re a ghost forever haunting a woman that is clearly using you as a buffer between her and Azriel.  I – I don’t know what’s going on between you and her and Azriel, all I know is that I can’t help thinking and feeling these things. You told me you wanted time with me, so spend time with _me_. Prioritize _me_.”

He was astonished at her outburst, but also, in a way he couldn’t fully comprehend, relieved that she was finally speaking to him. That he was getting truths from her.

He swallowed hard, and walked back to her side. He didn’t immediately talk, rather led them to a stone bench where they could both sit. They did, a foot apart and with no inclination to touch, and he sat in silence for a minute or two, processing her words.

“We’ve slept together,” he eventually said.

“Okay,” she whispered.

“It was hundreds of years ago – I was her first, not that I knew until I actually-” Cassian cut himself off, those details not relevant.

“Did you love her then? Did she feel like that for you?”

Cassian sighed. “I love Mor the way I love Feyre. She’s my best friend. All those years ago, when we were barely adults? I thought I did. It’s why I did what I did, even if I knew it was wrong.”

Nesta glanced sideways at him, her thumbs fidgeting as she listened. “Why was it wrong?”

“She was Rhys’ cousin. But more than that, Azriel had feelings for her, too. Ones that were stronger than mine. I knew about them, and I never planned on making a move on Mor. But then Az and Rhys went away, and we were alone and talking and laughing and she made me feel like she felt the same way. I justified the betrayal to my brothers because I thought she wanted it, wanted me. You have to understand, when I was younger I had no power for myself. I was the lowest tier solider, and it looked like I always would be. I was often regarded as just something to fuck by women. I was a bastard, I couldn’t possibly expect more. Although I’d had sex, I’d never had a relationship or anything close to it. And then Mor came along, and made me feel like I was worth her time. It was easy to fall into it. Easy for Az, too.”

Cassian took a deep breath before continuing.

“That night we were alone and I’d cooked for her. We were laughing about something – whatever it was, was so hilarious that it had us in fits. Next thing I know, she’s kissing me, and I feel like I’ve been Cauldron-blessed. She wanted more, so I gave it to her, not realising she hadn’t done it before. The moment her maiden-head yielded to me I knew I’d made a mistake. But I was willing to compromise my honour for this woman, thought she was worth it.”

Cassian tilted his head up at the afternoon sun, letting the rays warm his face. With his eyes closed, he told Nesta, “it took me a very long time to realise that she was using me for a purpose. That I was nothing to her. Not nothing, but only a friend. One she probably never would’ve made if not for the bond between Rhys and me. I have never fought with Rhys the way I did when he’d found out what I’d done, and I’ve never forgiven myself for the look on Azriel’s face: hurt, but also resignation. He didn’t think he deserved her, and it made me furious. Mad, because I was the asshole that bedded the woman he was falling in love with, and despair because my brother was worth everything in the world, and I played a part in him believing that he didn’t.”

It had not been a long while since Cassian had felt the familiar stinging in his eyes, the tears that he quashed regularly.

“And now?” Nesta hesitantly asked.

“For years I thought maybe she did feel something for me, and was just giving me room so Rhys wouldn’t get violent again and Azriel wouldn’t be too hurt. Then I realised what she was really doing was letting me be the reason she stayed away from Azriel, and that whatever feelings she had were never for me. It got to the point where I let her – was her willing accomplice. Never, _never_ do I want Azriel to have to feel the way I did. To feel as ugly, and as undeserving. He’s too good for that. He’s better than us all.”

Nesta tucked a strand of her golden hair behind her ear, a thoughtful expression gracing her face, before clasping them in her lap.

“I should’ve stopped doing it a long, long time ago,” Cassian further admitted. “And if not then, I should’ve stopped doing it the moment I knew I had feelings for you.”

Her eyes snapped to his, now open and staring at her.

“It’s no shock to either of us that I feel this way, Nesta. I have since the moment I met you.”

She breathed heavily, her eyes now portraying a tale of confusion and want, hesitancy and immediacy all at once.

“I thought maybe,” her voice was shaking slightly, “you were caught up in the war, and perhaps the words you said were only told because you thought we might die.”  

Cassian didn’t reply with words, rather, he slowly wove his hand in between hers so he could hold her. Just a little. His hand was clammy after training, and he was quaking ever so slightly, but if the squeeze he felt from her was any indication, Nesta didn’t mind.

She also scooted just a bit closer to him, starting to close the foot of space between them.

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you,” she said quietly, now wrapping both her small, smooth hands around his rough one so she could clutch it to her chest.

It was a rare occasion for her to show such vulnerability, and he was revelling in it. He wanted to pull on all her threads until he unravelled her, leaving nothing but the woman she actually was with no façade covering her. He still wanted those threads though, but he wished Nesta to weave them not because of past trauma, but because she desired to create her own narrative – one away from the idea of protecting herself.

“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been behaving with Mor. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even realise I’m doing it. It’s never hurt someone before, and I’m sorry you had to deal with it.”

“We’re a sad, sorry lot, aren’t we?” Nesta breathed a laugh and stood, Cassian rising with her as she hadn’t let go of his hand. “So what now, Cassian?”

Cassian looked over the woman he had been silently pining after since the moment he’d met her – the woman who looked like she might be ready for him, for all the love he had to give her.

“That’s up to you, Sweetheart.”

Her face pinched at the pet name, but her eyes danced and her cheeks blushed the most beautiful pink he’s ever seen.

“I have a few ideas.” She smirked at him and let go of his hand, sashaying away from him. He grinned after her, especially when she said, “Well, are you coming?”


End file.
